Quick update

I hurt my right leg about a week ago. I'm not sure how. its the back tendon or muscle. I've been icing and taking motrin but it doesn't seem to be getting better. One more thing to add to the list of things getting hurt on my body and never healing. I'm not used to this.

Taylor got a 44 on her math test. I just don't know what to do anymore. She did study...and she did understand the work. I don't know what happened.

panic

i had a small panic attack last night. I wake up and I swear something is going to kill me or i'm going to die if i move. Because i wear glasses, at night in the darkness light is blurred and larger because i'm seeing double. the small light morphs into something larger. Last night i think it was a skull or something.

friday bloody friday

so i didn't slit my wrists today so i guess that's a good thing. i started taking 125mg of welbutrin so we'll see how that works. I've been taking 100mg for two weeks or so. I got a letter passed on to me from Trina basically apologizing to me about what happened. She doesn't know all the reasons why i'm really angry with her and some things are better left unsaid. How do i say...why does a guy that i used to like have a video of you fucking your ass with a wine bottle. Not exactly a great thing to bring up in conversation. Joe could be lying but he may not be lying. I'm afraid to ask him for proof.

Denise sent me an email today. Just asking if I was okay. She used to do that after Dave and I split. It was nice that she reached out but I just don't know if I want to open myself to that kind of hurt again. Sometimes its easier to be by yourself. My brother is worried about me. One of his workers committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. He worked for my brother for 2 or maybe three years. Rob said he called in sick for about a week and then just didn't show up after that. Rob tried calling him several times and called the local hospitals too. Rob knew he was depressed and tried to get him help. He hung himself.

My brother keeps asking if i'm okay and I keep saying I'm fine. I don't want him to worry and frankly he's not always the kind of person you want to talk to when your feeling down. I love my brother more than anything and I trust him with my life. If I ever needed anything I would go to him. But I just can't talk to him.

I looked for jobs today and I'm getting to the point where I'm scared to apply. How much rejection can one person take. Its not even rejection...its like I'm not even here...nobody even calls. I wondered if my email address was working or maybe there was a problem with my resume. I tested everything and its all fine. Nobody wants to hire me. No one wants to even talk to me. I offered to work for a company for free one day so they could see that I'm worth hiring. That didn't even work. I am shit

My unemployment appeal is going to take up to three months. I should be homeless by then. Thats okay...Taylor will be better off with her Dad. The alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic. I hope she does better than me. Dave seems like a happy guy. That's because hes a dumb ass. I'd probably happy too if I drank a six pack and a bottle of wine everynight.

Russ and I have been texting again. I like Russ and he has told me I could come live with him. Of course this is in Arizona. I love John very much but I just feel like there is no future. John has been a crutch for me. I don't know if I can walk without him. When everyone else deserted me...he was there. I feel obligated to him and I'm scared to be without him. I do love him very much. But there is no future. Future...that's a word i cant even think about without getting a giant lump in my throat.

I wish I could take ambien ever night...its such a peaceful sleep. Not tonight

Tool Forty-six 2 Lyrics

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My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

another day

I woke up with a splitting headache. it was an ambien night so I slept well. I gave Taylor her phone back last night. I've been keeping it during the night because she's been texting at all hours of the night. There is only one person making rules for taylor. and that would be me. I checked her homework online and as usual....she was with her dad thursday so fridays homework didn't get turned in. Then Mondays home homework didn't get turned in (she was with her dad again). If you don't push her she won't do it. I blame him mostly but she needs to also take responsibility. Its like everything we work for gets flushed down the toilet when she spends time with him.

Is this it?

I can honestly say that I have never felt this miserable for this long in my entire life. I'm going on two week now where not a minute passes that I don't want to kill myself. I get like this every couple of months but it usually only lasts about 2 or maybe 3 days. This one is bad and I'm beginning to think its not going to end. I'm not happy...I haven't been happy and I don't know that I'll ever be happy. I don't understand why people are afraid to die. It just doesn't seem like a bad idea at the moment. If I could erase my memory from my daughters mind it would be so much easier. I can't be selfish. The hardest part is that I'm beginning to think she'd be better off with her Dad.

I can't believe that I'm saying this but I need to make sure she's being taken care of. Everyday I feel worse and worse and I need to make sure that I can do what I can for her. I need to make a will. I want everything to go to my brother in trust for Taylor. I have 2 retirement accounts, on at fidelity and one with Administaff. I need to make sure Dave's name is off of them. My house is no longer worth anything. There will be a little left over after the sale which can pay for my delinquent property taxes and my credit card. I want John to be able to live in the house until the house sells and everything closes. I also want John to have $5,000 to help him out. It's not much but I know he'll appreciate it.

It would be so great if Elaine came back and Taylor could live with her. I would even love for Taylor to go live in Austria. I really want them to be together and I don't think Dave would really fight it if that's what Taylor wanted.

It's so hard to hide this from her. It's so hard to hide this from evreyone. I can't even talk to my therapist because my health insurance isn't paid. A year ago I was making over $100,000 per year and now I can't even afford health insurance. Everything is gone...all my savings and all the money I put down on the house. It's all gone. Everything I worked my ass off for for the last 15 years...gone. It's not so much that the money is gone....its what i sacrificed to make the money. I gave up so much time and so much of myself because I wanted to be able to kick back and relax when I retire. So i wouldn't have to worry. 15 years and its all gone in one year.

So much more than that....Its all the friends I've lost and what people think about me. Dave told so many lies to everyone including Taylor. He's a fucking alcoholic piece of shit. He is incapable of having a relationship past a friendship with anyone. He is emotionally detached and the only way he can have relationships with people is thru alcohol and partying. I never stole one penny from you regardless of what you think or what you tell people about me. You even turned your own daughter against me. You're such a piece of shit and I hate you! Go to your shop with that child molester that you wanted to help out at the risk of your own damn daughter. Go fuck Bobby and talk shit about me to make yourself feel better.

I'm still so angry at you and I never ever EVER would have thought I could hate anyone as much as I hate you!

You're daughter has started to figure out your lies and as much as she loves you she will also be angry with you for what you did.

Massive Headache yesterday

So I'm going back a day but I have to figure this out.

11/11/08
Yogurt for Breakfast
Bagel with cream cheese for lunch
Headache starts about 2PM - feeling physically ill
cucumber salad for dinner (headache gone by about 7PM)

Felt dizzy all night....very strange symptom for me.

I probably didn't drink enough water
no vitamin today, no diazapam, fell asleep fast (about 10PM) slept well until about 4AM

It's Thursday and a beautiful day. I hate the 2nd and 4th Thursdays because i have billing meetings at work. Erick talks to everyone else but me. Aligning himself with team and running around me to get things solved. JR is just JR. Drops several bombs during the meeting which he has not discussed with me then makes flippen comments about how things should be. He's going to get himself into trouble.

I took Ambient again last night. The doctor told me no more then 4 times a week. I'm really worried about becoming relient on it because i sleep sooooooo good with it. I've never sletp like that in my life. I had the worst headache yesterday. It was so bad it made me want to throw up.