Is this it?

I can honestly say that I have never felt this miserable for this long in my entire life. I'm going on two week now where not a minute passes that I don't want to kill myself. I get like this every couple of months but it usually only lasts about 2 or maybe 3 days. This one is bad and I'm beginning to think its not going to end. I'm not happy...I haven't been happy and I don't know that I'll ever be happy. I don't understand why people are afraid to die. It just doesn't seem like a bad idea at the moment. If I could erase my memory from my daughters mind it would be so much easier. I can't be selfish. The hardest part is that I'm beginning to think she'd be better off with her Dad.

I can't believe that I'm saying this but I need to make sure she's being taken care of. Everyday I feel worse and worse and I need to make sure that I can do what I can for her. I need to make a will. I want everything to go to my brother in trust for Taylor. I have 2 retirement accounts, on at fidelity and one with Administaff. I need to make sure Dave's name is off of them. My house is no longer worth anything. There will be a little left over after the sale which can pay for my delinquent property taxes and my credit card. I want John to be able to live in the house until the house sells and everything closes. I also want John to have $5,000 to help him out. It's not much but I know he'll appreciate it.

It would be so great if Elaine came back and Taylor could live with her. I would even love for Taylor to go live in Austria. I really want them to be together and I don't think Dave would really fight it if that's what Taylor wanted.

It's so hard to hide this from her. It's so hard to hide this from evreyone. I can't even talk to my therapist because my health insurance isn't paid. A year ago I was making over $100,000 per year and now I can't even afford health insurance. Everything is gone...all my savings and all the money I put down on the house. It's all gone. Everything I worked my ass off for for the last 15 years...gone. It's not so much that the money is gone....its what i sacrificed to make the money. I gave up so much time and so much of myself because I wanted to be able to kick back and relax when I retire. So i wouldn't have to worry. 15 years and its all gone in one year.

So much more than that....Its all the friends I've lost and what people think about me. Dave told so many lies to everyone including Taylor. He's a fucking alcoholic piece of shit. He is incapable of having a relationship past a friendship with anyone. He is emotionally detached and the only way he can have relationships with people is thru alcohol and partying. I never stole one penny from you regardless of what you think or what you tell people about me. You even turned your own daughter against me. You're such a piece of shit and I hate you! Go to your shop with that child molester that you wanted to help out at the risk of your own damn daughter. Go fuck Bobby and talk shit about me to make yourself feel better.

I'm still so angry at you and I never ever EVER would have thought I could hate anyone as much as I hate you!

You're daughter has started to figure out your lies and as much as she loves you she will also be angry with you for what you did.