Denise sent me an email today. Just asking if I was okay. She used to do that after Dave and I split. It was nice that she reached out but I just don't know if I want to open myself to that kind of hurt again. Sometimes its easier to be by yourself. My brother is worried about me. One of his workers committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. He worked for my brother for 2 or maybe three years. Rob said he called in sick for about a week and then just didn't show up after that. Rob tried calling him several times and called the local hospitals too. Rob knew he was depressed and tried to get him help. He hung himself.
My brother keeps asking if i'm okay and I keep saying I'm fine. I don't want him to worry and frankly he's not always the kind of person you want to talk to when your feeling down. I love my brother more than anything and I trust him with my life. If I ever needed anything I would go to him. But I just can't talk to him.
I looked for jobs today and I'm getting to the point where I'm scared to apply. How much rejection can one person take. Its not even rejection...its like I'm not even here...nobody even calls. I wondered if my email address was working or maybe there was a problem with my resume. I tested everything and its all fine. Nobody wants to hire me. No one wants to even talk to me. I offered to work for a company for free one day so they could see that I'm worth hiring. That didn't even work. I am shit
My unemployment appeal is going to take up to three months. I should be homeless by then. Thats okay...Taylor will be better off with her Dad. The alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic. I hope she does better than me. Dave seems like a happy guy. That's because hes a dumb ass. I'd probably happy too if I drank a six pack and a bottle of wine everynight.
Russ and I have been texting again. I like Russ and he has told me I could come live with him. Of course this is in Arizona. I love John very much but I just feel like there is no future. John has been a crutch for me. I don't know if I can walk without him. When everyone else deserted me...he was there. I feel obligated to him and I'm scared to be without him. I do love him very much. But there is no future. Future...that's a word i cant even think about without getting a giant lump in my throat.
I wish I could take ambien ever night...its such a peaceful sleep. Not tonight
Tool Forty-six 2 Lyrics
My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.
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